The Blotter

Beer has alcohol and alcohol dehydrates. Well leave it to the Aussies to create a hydrating brew by adding electrolytes and reducing the alcohol. An Australian bad girl has $19,000 in toll fines going to her brothel jobs.

On the sexual front, those who have an abundance of sex earn more money. Here's a shock, studying porn remains a challenge. It's a sad day when you can't get sex from your hostages!

If an empty gun safe weighs 300 pounds over its weight, who lost their marijuana! If you have a name that sounds like those who named you were stoned, what is your destiny?

If the manufacturers survive, hash oil may make a comeback. Make sure you have the directions to the cannabis farm.

As the terror alert rises it seems that exploding boobs will be coming to an airport near you. So now we can use water containers as air masks as we are angry for peace.

In case you were wondering, here's a way to never get another date in your lifetime. We also have lemmings heading for a cliff!

The Hipsters and The Yuppies

Like most people in the world, I couldn't give a rat's butt what goes on between the residents of Upper Manhattan and Lower Manhattan. It would probably only interest the residents of New York City. Who knew there was a war going on between the Hipsters and the Yuppies. Williamsburg versus Park Slope in the battle of the douches, as I call it!

Nothing as funny when a couple of snobs try to prove their side is better than the other with things no one cares about. In what may very well be called The Battle Of The Millionaires, a new war has emerged. It seems that Williamsburg has rose to a new level of douche-ness!

Since the residents now have a number of snowflakes, and refuse to pay a nanny, they turned their side of town into a "baby friendly" run town. Why would you want to take your kid in a stroller when a crib is so much more convenient!? I can't believe they don't piss off the other snobby residents.

Which brings us to Park Slope that has a playpen issue! Ironic, huh?

Tough to say who will win The Golden Douche award this year. It seems that when one makes the news, the other has to pull at something. A crib a playpen, frankly they are both enclosures meant for, e-hem, children.

Dumb Criminals

Some people need to evaluate their career choices. If you're a surgeon who can't carve a turkey, maybe you are in the wrong profession. If on the other hand you are a criminal and so dumb that it is a laugh seeing you taken off the streets, then you should have been a comedian.

Here's a man getting arrested for a minor trespassing infraction. When he has the cop retrieve his briefcase because of the money content. He forgot to mention the marijuana content.

If you are too embarrassed to buy a sex toy, there is nothing like getting caught shoplifting one to cure your embarrassment.

Speaking of sex toys, did you hear the one about the couple who left their baby alone in the car as they shopped for sex toys. Their excuse was brilliant in that nobody under 18 is allowed in the sex shop!

A man gets busted after calling 911 about injuries he suffered during a break in. He could have gotten away with the great $50 heist if not for his boo-boo!

Nothing like getting drunk on your grandparents' wine and then assaulting them when they confront you on it.

Stupid, drunk and with a machete and knives is no way to go through life.

Young, drunk and stupid isn't going to help, either.

Then this is actually a relief.

There must be a full moon because the dummies keep coming. In conclusion, nothing like getting your nephew involved in crime at 9!

The World On A Silver Platter

Thanks to the internet we are connected with the world. Everything takes on a monstrosity wealth of information, knowledge and insults. You can research anything, you can make local news go viral and worldwide, and of course, you can bring a tiny town high school beef to the world's arena.

At one time, we only adhered to our local news and the national news. We didn't care what insignificant prank occurred in China, because it had no impact on us. Now thanks to the internet we can hear about someone pulling a prank and hopes it never happens to us.

This is what I'm talking about

The Serpent And The Irony

A snake charmer was on a mission to make people overcome their fears of snakes. Well he died from a snake bite. The snake, an Aspic viper, bit him multiple times during one of his shows. The incident was 'exceptionally uncommon' because snakes and other wild creatures are UNPREDICTABLE!

Zorn was a former hepatologist turned herpetologist. In the end, this is just ironic.

The Crab Shack

Would you eat your food in a toilet? If you are ever in Salem, Mass., and decide to eat at a place called The Clam Shack, you just might. OK, we know that it won't have any memories of it being a toilet when it opens, but it would be like dining at a former cemetery.

Lucky that the owners say that they heard all the jokes about leasing a former toilet, or the joke would be on those who will dine there. I find it laughable that nobody mentions the seafood restaurant in a toilet.

I am an inquisitive individual and wonder if they will have a toilet and where will it be in proximity of the former toilet. Since there isn't any dining inside, the choice is sit outside or takeout to your car or house!

Nothing To See Here, Citizens!

Since the marathon bombing in Boston, people have been on edge wandering if there were others involved. Well nothing like a stereotypical incident to cause concern. The story starts at a reservoir that supplies drinking water to 2.5 million residents in the Worchester, Massachusetts area. Seven people with ties to Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and Singapore, were caught trespassing at the Quabbin Reservoir.

The water was tested, even though the seven were only charged with trespassing. Now residents can relax and continue drinking the water. Normalcy returns to the people effected. Well so you would think.

In light of the Boston bombing and as far back as 9/11, water reservoirs have beefed up security. Now they have to turn it up a notch because of alleged fools who seem not to be following the rules. Since the male trespassers had said they were educated chemical engineers, people began to wonder what they were doing there.

Somehow I tend to be suspect of "coincidences" involving the 'what walks, quacks and swims like a duck is a chicken' crowd! A reservoir that supplies water to people. Seven people with ties to possible enemy countries trespassing. Five were chemical engineers. A damn in the area. No it does not mean they were up to no good. Otherwise the FBI would have found out immediately, much like it has never missed in the past!

Perhaps this was what it was. To most, an innocent misunderstanding. After all, no chemicals or explosives were found, that we know of.

On the other hand, maybe this was a way of testing the system. Maybe this wasn't the target, maybe they are seeking bigger fish. Maybe they wanted to see how far they could go. Funny they didn't say what the females were educated in. Either way you can't jump to conclusions. After all just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they aren't out to get you!